Pain?

I noticed that it takes a lot to actually hurt me now. It's like I've built this brick wall around my heart to keep me from getting hurt. Funny how I'm only realising this now but it's like I don't have any feelings at all, like it's all been drained out of me and I'm numb. It sucks because of what I'm doing to him. I cant return the feelings he has for me and it's screwing things up. I don't even deserve him. I'm not the person I used to be, even a friend of mine said I've changed.

Maybe I'm like this because of all the pain I've been through. I cant trust anyone anymore and it gets harder everytime. I cant even have best friends because I'm afraid the same shit will happen again. It's become harder for me to let people in and I find it hard to tell certain people things cause I'm afraid of what they'll think of me. I cant take the judging anymore. I don't care if people I don't know judge me because they're not significant but it's different if a friend is judging me. I'm messed up. Sigh.

Gahhh. I hate all this.